Tell me your story. I am here to listen. The fact that I care, that I want to understand, without judgement, may be all that it takes to lift you out of misery. “I’m sorry you are going through this.” “I can’t imagine what you must be going through”. “I’m glad you told me.”
Are you willing to see the other person's point of view?
The Disarming Technique - do you have the courage to sacrfice the 'ego' in support of the 'other'. The disarming technique builds on the value of finding some truth in what the other person is saying, even if that appears totally unreasonable or unfair. This is the most important of the five secrets to effective communications and is based on the law of opposites. Visualize the scenario, someone attacks you with an unfair / irrational criticism. The knee-jerk reaction is to defend yourself. You think what they are saying is untrue, you argue your point, and the problem escalates. The law of opposites, by attempting to prove that the 'other' is wrong (and win your point), you infact qualify the distortion as true in the other person's mindset. Creating the disconnect.
In the video Dr. Burns profiled how 'Janice' had made the statement, "I want you to know that this (referring to his therapy approach) is worse than the incest and abuse I endured as a child." Burns reflected on how painful that was, how angry he became and was thinking on how much of himself he had given to her, how 'she' was never accountable, how she was always blaming someone else.
The Disarming Technique - is to see some degree of truth in what the other is saying, acknowledge that truth, and that person will typically stop believing in the distortion. The law of opposites.
In Dr. Burns example, he reflected on his initial inability to find some level of truth in what she was saying, she was just blaming other people, that he had given everything to her, and that she was totally out to lunch (as he said). Which, in my eyes, is the natural reaction. We feel attacked, the biological drive leans toward conclict and aggression. Burns continued to reflect, there must be some truth in what she was saying, figure it out, and as he described, it suddenly hit me like lightning, I saw what I think she had been trying to to tell me, it was a shock to my system. Burns recalled his conversation, "you know Janice when you told me that the therapy that I've been doing with you is worse than the incest and abuse you endured as a child I was so mad, I wanted to wring your neck, I was enraged and I felt you were entirely wrong and being unfair to me, and then it suddenly dawned on me. I think you were trying to tell me like when you were little and you were exploited by older people or older men who were using you, and in therapy I've been trying to kind of use you to use my techniques for my own my own ego purposes rather than hearing your suffering and providing the warmth and compassion that you need. When I realized that i felt a tremendous feeling of shame and and saw that that that's actually right I've been pushing you to do the homework and to use these techniques and I haven't really been listening and hearing your suffering and the anger and the desperation and the hopelessness that you've been feeling and I just wonder you know if if I got it right if that's what you were trying to tell me?"
Janice began sobbing, the pain came out, and she later said that was the moment that that changed her life because finally someone was listening. At that moment Burns made a connection with her, his failure was her first success.
Assignment - every day (for a week) try to agree with five different people. Dr. Burns offered up an exceptional example: I was commuting home in Philadelphia, it was a real hot day and everybody was piling into this train, the air conditioning didn't work, and people were packed and not only in the seats but totally in the aisles, but I saw this little kind of a half a seat, so I said oh I'm gonna sit down there. I'm so tired and the man next to me was in a real sour mood, he started whining and complaining, I think secretly pissed off that I had sat down next to him. So I just decided to use the disarming technique so whatever he said I just totally agreed with them I said you know you're right they're not managing these trains well at all and air-conditioned doesn't work, everyone's packed in here. I'm sitting down squashed up against you you're probably feeling really the squashed and irritated and you know we're on the same page these trains don't seem to be managed very well. Then he gave some other complaint and I agreed with him again and he said something about the Mideast there's problems in the Mideast and all these countries are fighting against each other it's also irrational and then I agreed with them again and they started to just open up and by the time we got to Bryn Mawr which was the you know twelve minutes later I think he thought I was his best friend well he poured out his heart to me and like he became this very friendly fellow and he's probably it was probably a grumpy guy who you know complaining all the time and then people get inlaid with them and argue with them or or dismiss him and the fact that I just you know gave him some respect and found truth and what he was saying it just just kind of made his day but it's also a Buddhist idea or a Christian idea or a Jewish idea or whatever religion you have I'm sure it's at the core of your religion that when you help another person you you're helping yourself like that we are one the universe is long and the fact is I made him feel really happy and then that made me feel really happy rather than getting into some argument with some you know ordinary fellow a fellow on a train so see if you can agree if if you want to learn this now if you don't want to it doesn't appeal if you don't want to resolve the conflicts with people in your life then you don't have to do the homework but but if you want want to change your life this week try to agree with five things that people say every day and and again it's your right and then you agree with them and that's that's the simple formula here.